MCM- Yes I'm a participant.

It is inevitable for me to talk about. I can put it off for as long as I want but one day the topic will come up: Dudes. 

They know women talk about them. They like it really. 

One day, in my dirty Chuck Taylors and semi-coke-bottle glasses, I found a boy who I really liked. He was a nice guy. Pretty cute. And the crush began. 

His name? Well... I guess this is as good a time as any. 

Joseph Gordon Levitt. 

No I am not under any assumption that he will ever see this. Or will ever know my name to say the least, but a girl can dream right?

Really, I am a simple one. I wear my flannel in the fall, sipping my cider with the rest of you. I am fun. I am alright on the eyes I guess. We have really similar personalities. I think we could have fun. I mean his lip sync competition on Jimmy Fallon. I've done that man! That is my life at camp! I've had to do some dance moves... WHEW! We could compare notes. Just sayin'.... 

But let's say if he were to see this, I will just ask... Wanna hang out sometime? See a movie? Play putt-putt? I could take you on a run. Maybe some karaoke.
 Or simply have a cup of coffee??

I am not crazy, I promise. But dream big right? 

So hot right now. 

Negativity.

Running the other day lead me to what I believe to be some pretty profound thoughts. Or at least for me they are profound. Maybe I am just a little behind in the times though.

I realized I was completely unhappy. I was sad, depressed, angry, mean, spiteful and horrible. It was disgusting what I had become. All of this had leaked into other parts of my life. Whether it was just wanting to stay in bed an hour or two longer and just stare at my phone, creeping through photos of people across the country they had posted on Twitter or Instagram (I know… only partially crazy… But clicks lead to clicks…) or the fact that my jeans were fitting a little tighter than usual, I was horrified. What was wrong with me??

Not so long ago, I got to be myself. I don’t know where it came from, but I acted as I had acted a year ago, two years ago. I was confident, I was self-assured, I was happy. And then I realized I needed this more. I needed to go back to being me.

So what did that mean?

Well first: GET RID OF WHAT IS NEGATIVE.

Stop having negative thoughts, stop saying negative things, stop being mean.

Where was the acceptance? Where was the joy of the undiscovered, the new, the different?

Where was my different?

And that is what started it. First, it was getting rid of clutter and unnecessary objects, then it was getting rid of the negative impact on my life, which in turn would create the more positive outlook. Right?

Sometimes that means taking a risk and going out on a limb.

As Mark Twain stated, that’s where all the fruit is.

All the deepest of thoughts are thunk on the run. And this weeks been full of them. So here’s to a few more blog posts. And here’s to a few more jars filled with coffee and even a little cider here or there.

Happy Weekend, friends. 

Top Ten: Moments.

  It was going to be ten things, but do you realize how hard it is to come up with a full set of ten things that are semi related? Not that hard? Oh… ok. Well… Shooooot.

I put this one off a little. My lists for September. Almost done with the month. I’ve got a couple more days! I’ll be more on top of it for October.

I’ll do better next time.

Let’s talk about moments.

Top ten moments of life—so far. Some of these might be further explained in future posts—I need to keep the ideas rolling for sure.

10. Meet Craig Mottrom at Prefontaine Classic.

Now those of you in the track and field world know, this guy’s got a steel set. He is one of the coolest racers I have ever watched. He fought hard for it. He knew it would take running hard to beat the East Africans in the distance races. And even though he may not have always succeeded, he truly opened the door. And the accent helped a little bit too.

9. Running the Las Vegas Marathon as my first marathon. Even though I was sick—the lights coming on as I entered the strip… The purple sky that backdropped the casinos, and watching the luxor beam shoot straight up in the sky, it kept my mind off the fact that I still had a whole half marathon to go.

8. Having an Olympic Medalist recognize you and know your name—and allow you to run alongside him every Friday morning. Well maybe not every Friday morning, but he still remembers me. And it is a complete and utter honor.

7. Every summer when I get to be a camp counselor.  Enough said. Those kids, those people keep me sane. I don’t know how I went a whole summer without them once. And now, never again. Talk about a place having restorative properties, that place does!

6. Camping in the Badlands during a thunderstorm. With all of our recent natural activity here in Spokane, it brings me back to that week I spent there. It was just to get away from it all and enjoy the serenity, the wilderness, the wide open spaces.

Badlands National Park

5. Winning the State Title as a senior in high school, and going on to place 7^th at Nationals. Yes, those are two things, but it was one season. The young women I got to run with are  now some of my best friends in the world. They are ones I wills still lean on and praise every step of the way. Once a Gig girl, Always a Gig girl.

4. This is a collection of moments that run together I am sure of that, but it would have to be any time I was able to go to the driving range with my Grandpa “Jack.” I laugh as I write this because he is probably yelling from wherever he is now saying I shouldn’t be writing about golfing, but actually golfing.  Although he never actually yelled, or even spoke sternly for that matter.  But the hours he spent with me as a young one, attempting to make me the next Annika Sorenstam. And while today it takes me a bucket or two to get the old swing back, the sound of that ball hitting the exact sweet spot on the club will never be missed or lost on me. I can still feel his large workman’s hands on my head, steadying my thoughts and movements. I had a tendency to fidget. Still do, but his hand is always there to guide me.

3. Speaking to the Western Literature Association and presenting my paper on Cormac McCarthy’s The Road, and having him ask a question about it. Gulp. How could you not be frightened out of your mind that the freaking author you just did an analysis on is asking you questions… about himself! He was far too kind to me, but liked my paper. That’s all that matters I guess.

2. Becoming an “Aunt” Even though I rarely get to see them, my cousins/ nieces and nephews are so special to me. I wish I could be with them more to teach them all the bad habits that their parents don’t want them to have… mostly just candy before dinner. I will always have gum you guys.

1. And all time, although to some it might not be that great it was a memorable and beautiful moment for me, climbing Tower Mountain in Spokane, at night and looking out over the world with hot chocolate in hand, underneath the stars.  Absolute perfection to me. If I could do it again and again, I would.

Tower Mountain view. 

 After writing and editing this I came up with so many more!! I'll do more moments in the future. 

MMM 

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Wednesday Writer: It's 5 o'clock in the morning.

They all had the same watch and they all beeped just the same as the walked from behind their cars and moved into the slow job that would start their run. Why did they have to climb the hill first? It was too early for this. It was hard. It was cold. 

They were tired. They were quiet. 

But it was on the schedule. 

No one else was awake. Or if they were they were hiding in their houses, coffee in hands, robes wrapped tight, barely discerning the early hour. 

Their feet flitted across the ground covering miles in minutes and those added to the hour that passed. They talked, some of their children, some of their friends children, and she was quiet. She confided in them of her worries and fears, and they reassured her she would be ok. Her mind was worried, but her heart was calm. She was lucky to have such friends for miles. 

They rounded corners and their conversations became more lively as their legs and eyes were more awakened through the passing time. She hadn't had coffee, but endorphins make you happy right?

She realized with the passing miles that she loved running with these women. She was lucky to learn from them and could open up to them and she was happy. She hadn't felt that way in far too long. With each run, with each conversation, with each passing day she was able to find great joy in her acts, in her words and in the kindness of the others. 

She eliminated the sour, the sad and the unhappy. The negativity rolled away and she moved further from it. She created happy. She created joy. And she spread it where she went. 

The final hill they soared and laughed through the days toils. The work was done and all by 6:15 AM. Cars and people stirred and engines warmed to collect the day, and she smiled. Because this was it. This was happy. 

Anew

I had a conversation recently that struck me pretty hard in the face, and it made me realize something: I have forgotten who I am.

Kind of a crap ton of bricks in a bag thrown across the face, eh?

I remember my name. And I remember my birthday and semi-important facts like that, sure. But over the last two years, I have lost myself. So really it isn’t so much a forget, but a loss.

Which in reality, it is probably both.
Both lost and forgotten

Me. Who is me? Who am I? What do I stand for? What do I value? What do I like? What makes me, me??
Where am I? What am I doing? Where am I going? 
WHAT IS GOING ON!?!?!

For a time I had struggled with that, but I was still able to understand the basic meanings. I could walk into a room and be confident. I could walk in, totally unknown to everyone and to the situation, take it by the seams and understand. I could take it and run with it. Pun intended. I was able to find success and happiness. It was attractive for other people. I attracted like minded people and wanted to be with them. And we had ideas and plans and lives to live. 

I was confident in my beliefs, in my morals, in my values. And then… 

Honestly, I don’t know what happened. I started to let it all slide. I began to question everything I was doing and who I was acting like, but I wasn’t doing anything about it. I was changing and I was not stopping myself.

Before I go into way too much detail and information (OVERSHARE), I will just jump ahead.

I decided to just BE HAPPY. I know, novel concept right?

Well I made a list. What are things that make me happy? What are things that make me unhappy?

So simply the conclusion becomes: get rid of the unhappy. There is no reason to be so. Everyday you get up and be is a good day. 
Everyday you wake up is a day to be thankful.

While it is really, really scary sometimes, you have to take the risk and hope for the reward. And if it doesn’t come today, it will one day.

Here is to the unknown. Here’s to the scary and the unknown, and be gone unhappy. Smile. It’s catching. 

Writer Wednesday: "The Secret"

She sat in the backroom of the store. Her hands by her side, but throbbing with such intensity she didn’t know if she would be able to calm them. The safest place for them to be would be at her sides and nowhere near the hundreds of shoes that lined the shelves and racks, inventory everywhere.

Her heart, had anyone been near enough, could be heard from across the room, her cotton blanched v-neck trembling with the rumble of the rhythm and the beat. Tears had welled up in her eyes, full of so many emotions each tear, were it to fall across her cheeks would carry a different label: hurt, sadness, pain, anger. The list could go on and on, but she had hidden away so deeply amongst the stacks so no one could find her. It was a blind spot amongst the boxes where people would have to know it were there to be able to find it. It was even hard to just happen upon it. She had found it on one of her first days working there. She had a knack for the secret spots.

Like the one out deep on the trail across from the train tracks. A good little run for most, and totally worth it when you saw the sunrise or sunset from the spot. Swept up in colors galore; purples, reds, oranges, yellow, all covering you in the freshness of the day beginning or ending. He had shown her that secret spot. It was theirs.

This day though, her secret spot was little solace. She bent down into a squat and hugged her knees tight; hoping if she squeezed tight enough the tears would retreat back into her eyes. All she was trying to do was live her life and today, of all days, everything had to come crashing down.

She thought it was just a mirage. It had happened that way before, walking into her line of sight and refusing to leave. This mirage, had to be noticed, had to be seen. Did it just feel her heart rip from her chest when she saw him? Could she not hide the emotions in front of him that way?

She never could before, when they weren’t such hurtful emotions. She could lay them out there for everyone to see, the beautiful, positive, wondrous emotion would flow through her veins and emanate for everyone to gain from.

She had struggled as of late to keep that positivity in her life. She missed it. She missed herself. Where had she gone?

And on this day as that mirage had walked through the creaking front door of her life, she wondered if she could even stay upright.

Her knees slowly started to lose feeling as she was still squatting on the floor of the backroom, tears had already released and a pool of them laid at her feet and graffiti-ed her legs. The mirage couldn’t win this one. The mirage had been bigger this time, bringing along more than itself, too many horrible memories and feelings. It was hard, but she stood up. That was the only way to keep going. Stand up, put one foot out and then the other. She wouldn’t make herself smile, or even pretend she was ok. She didn’t even have to pretend to be nice that day either. She would just go about her business. She left the solitude and security of that secret place, and she walked on, not knowing what was next. But if she kept moving, she’d get somewhere sooner or later.