part two.

This is a follow-up to my over dramatized post from this morning. I'm trying a new thing by writing with emotion. 

Today, I got up.

I had a cup (or three) of coffee. I slipped on my running shoes just like everyone else does, one by one. I laced them, making sure that they were snug but not too snug. Just the way I do everyday. I drove the length of road to the trail head, and waited in my car. My heaters were blasting and it was nice to be comforted in warmth. It was only drizzling, but the wind chilled it evermore.

I climbed. And I climbed. And I realized I was running a little too fast. And breathing a little too short, but I kept going. My lungs were burning, more than I had ever felt in every workout, ever. My heart beat raced and my legs churned. And then…

Rounding some corner I had never been to, the green covered trees stopped shaking. Their mossy exteriors stopped altogether and stared back into my sweaty, salty streaked face. There I was, in the middle of the woods. I was passed the place I had always been. I had gone just a little bit further. My feet slowed and my hands grasped my knees as my breath was more than I could handle. I wasn’t gasping. I wasn’t struggling.

The air was slow, but full and pulling me out from under where I had put myself. I had stuck myself into the funk that was causing me to question, well, everything. I woke up and questioned why I acted the way I acted. And why I was doing what I was doing. Why I was thinking the way I was thinking.

My answer was to run. Not to run away, but to run to something. Run to somewhere I had never been. Run to something I had never even seen.

My legs, my arms, my heart, they carried me farther than I thought on this day.

My reaction is to write things. And then share. In a weird way, that is just who I am. This is my language, how I take control of my life. And today, I decided to question everything right back.

Why?

Why was I questioning my everything?

Why can’t I just start from right now?

Why not me?

I jumped into a new adventure. I jumped onto a new trail. And I am so happy that this is my life. And I’ll stay under my covers. Only because it is warm. I will jump into the unknown. And know that I am forever grateful. And never alone.

sleepless.

At times I find myself at four o’ clock in the morning laying in bed. My eyes are wide open and my senses are awake, but dulled in the darkness and still before the dawn.

I had slept with a deepness I never realized I needed. It was a day that emotions had flooded back through gates I thought I had locked and under control.

But now, it isn’t there. My mind is racing over the what-ifs, what-could-have-beens, and the what-am-i-doings. I trip over long ago thoughts and memories that I wish I had never had, but would never regret.

I wonder if it is too early to make coffee, and my body sinks deeper beneath the comforter. I pull another blanket over top and wonder if I never have to get out of bed again.

It is warm here, and my heart is safe locked behind the down and layers of my blanketed encapsulation.

I know not of what may come. I know not of what will be. I may only hope for something. I pray for everything.

Am I ready? Am I willing? Am I able?

Can I withstand something more powerful than I can possibly fathom? I hope so.

One thought lingers passed all the others. It is slow in movement and in time, and one that will be difficult to muster.

Am I broken?

This leads down to others: am I too broken, am I worthy, am I good, am I well.

Yes. I am broken. And that is what makes me ready. And that is what makes me worthy, and good, and well.

I will never know if I am worthy. Not unless I pursue and understand and believe.

I pray for the strength to understand. I pray for the guidance to release and reconcile. I pray for the faith and guidance that will lead me to the path I am chosen. I pray that I will stand strong with confidence and fullness of spirit.