Perceived: Part Three

How often do you get a compliment and believe it? Or do you just say thank you and let t roll, thinking "They didn't really mean that."?
 I rely on others to make me feel better. Which can be helpful, but if you won’t love yourself, why should others do the work for you.

That’s the thing; I was lucky to have my friends that day, to run with them for two of my three loops. But they weren’t there to carry me, rather I was there to prove to myself that I could do this. I could run the distance. I’m going to be ok.

It is something I have forgotten since. I felt for a very long time that I had no control anymore. I had no idea what was going on, my life felt in shambles. 
But I wasn’t.

motivate yourself

Sometimes it takes a beer (or three) and a friend to verbally slap you across the face (thank goodness it wasn’t literal) and say, “Hey. Wake up sweetheart. You aren’t the only one hurting and you are special. So you better start believing it. So, you should show me.”

And there it was. The sign I had thought I needed for a long time. I had been waiting, but it had been there the whole time in front of me, I just had to wake up and see it. At that point I needed help. I had dug myself so deep that I was too bleary eyed to realize, I was alive, and I woke up everyday. That was a pretty decent life. And now it is time to start living, not just surviving. I've got good qualities and bad, so does everybody. But I've got to start accepting those good ones. 

Now, I am taking steps, forward, and sometimes back, but they are all steps just the same. Moving is something. Just like running the final climb that day. Put one foot in front of the other. Live in the moment. 


So let’s get going.
Go for a run. Go read a book. Go outside. Enjoy the sunshine, the rain, the wind, the whatever. Just go outside, take a big breath in and smile. 
It is as simple as that. 

photo credit: Jon Jonkers

“You’re off to great places, today is your day! Your mountain is waiting, so get on your way!!”  --Dr. Seuss. 

More stories and things to come, but that's where we are at now. Taking steps, I don't know what number we're on, but lets just get going. 

The Run: Part Two

There is a hill in Spokane that is appropriately named “Doomsday.” It is the final hill in the cities most sacred Bloomsday Run, and it is quite difficult. Now, I’ve always been one to go against the grain, and I would say it is not the hardest one during the 12k, let alone in all of Spokane. But it has taken its toll and its fair share of victims.

Well this “Doomsday” is so fairly found at mile 22 of the marathon. Actually, you hit the start of mile 22 in the middle of the hill. From the top, you have exactly a 5k to go until the finish. Possible right?

get your sweat on

For my last run, I had planned to run our Bloomsday course three times. So the hill would land right around 21 or 22 for the third time. I was CHOOSING to run the hill three times, supposedly the most difficult hill in all of Spokane, according to the locals.

In my own humble opinion, there are definitely more difficult ones. I ran one only three or four days into living here. It may have been made harder by running it at night, but that’s that I guess. Any who….

Doomsday. They name it Doomsday for goodness sake. It will suck the life out of you. I’m still wary of running to the top of it. And it has been nearly nine months.

This was my last run to really practice nutrition at the pace I needed, and it really was a final test. I had absolutely no idea what kind of fitness, shape or mental state I was in. So here we went.

Like so many of us find in the running community, I have been able to cultivate so many wonderful, healthy, loving relationships with so many people. Throughout my running career, I have been overwhelmingly blessed to have so many inspiring people beyond coaches, but teammates, coworkers, and training partners, all continually striving to better themselves, in turn, not even realizing they are pushing me to bigger and greater things.

Two dear friends would accompany me on this run, one I had known since high school, and the other just a few short months. Willingly they would run round the course so I wouldn’t have to talk to myself the whole way. The course had been set. The nutrition stops planned (my mom was kind enough to drive around for me), and the day was ready.  As I left the house that morning, I was not excited, anxious, or nervous. I was not calm either. I was floating, as if I were out of body and watching myself that morning. Wearing my lucky white V-neck t-shirt, it has a specific stain on it, I flitted my way through the residential Spokane roadways, making my way towards downtown to meet my friend. We began in a fashion like most runs, even though I hadn't seen him in many months, a quick click of the watch to stop and hug, and then on again to trek the trail. My other friend was late, but that was to be expected, he'd catch up at some point. It was nice to just be he and I. He is far too kind of a person to go farther than he had before. This was going to be his longest run in quite sometime. And I will forever be grateful.Only a slight increase in speed at the conversation and excitement of being together after such a time, but we gradually fell into a rhythm and floated along. I must say, normally I produce some lively conversation on my solo runs. Although my friend and I discussed black holes for the majority of the first loop and continued to recount far too many memories of singing and dancing on bus trips and many an inner tubing accident during the summer. Thankfully the time passed quickly all of us, and it was nice to remember. As we neared the final loop, the other two would drop and be done, I became a little more quiet and prepared for the sound of stillness. I wasn't purposely trying to drop my friends, but I did not want a good bye either. 

Lucky to make it around. 

A slight click of the watch, a sweaty hug, and off I went for one more round. Still early in the morning I descended the first hill as people were walking home from their late nights of grandeur and alcohol. One such man I passed a little too closely and I smelled the burped up tequila of the local cantina. Rhythm was set in my mind and I focused on the quiet, on my breath, on my heartbeat. 

So many people have written about the silence and loneliness of the long run. The quiet, surreal feeling we all reach in our careers whether recreational, or professional, and all those in between.

I personally have written many an essay on the perfection of certain races, runs, and experiences. There is no perfection in life. Sometimes, the stars align and everything seemingly goes right. On this day, I thought not of what my run would consist of or how it would go, but I thought of my foot planting right there. I contemplated on the stillness of the morning, the lack of traffic, the clouds forming as a fog about the river, and the pink skies shining in the distance, growing evermore as the sun slowly woke from its beloved slumber. The poetic nature of the day was not lost on me. And yet, I didn’t want it to be that way. It was almost too cliché. Perfection is not real.

Another to be continued... 

I know, I know!!!

Giving up or giving in: A recapture in parts.

PART ONE:

So. Where to begin? This last year and half or so has been like most others of yours I’m sure; with ups and downs and loops and turns, things never the same, never to plan. The last thing that went to plan in all honesty was my last long run before my most recent marathon. That was the last fully positive, fully there moment I have had. My mind has wandered and ventured and only now am I becoming more fully focused and feeling more alive. But I still have a few more twists, turns and miles to go.

I have thought about giving up. Everything. In the middle of a really hard hill, only a mile into a run, not doing that extra stride, or not even getting out the door.

But even beyond running. Just giving up; moving on, leaving, and never looking back.

I haven’t said that to anyone. And I just shared it with albeit not many, everyone who is reading this right now.

To be honest, I lost the love of a lot of things. I lost that feeling of pure joy, excitement, and wonder. Not just in running, but in everything. I didn’t like reading for readings sake anymore. I didn’t like talking to people. I just wanted to sit in my sweats on the couch, creeping on Instagram, avoiding Facebook, and watching old episodes of “How I Met Your Mother.”

Van One at start of Hood to Coast

Ok—Roll back a few months. Like almost a full year.

Swifts ready to roll at H2C

A year ago, I was running high mileage, working full-time, enjoying the sunshine, and reading on the lake, loving life. My left knee started giving me some troubles on a few runs, but I felt I had fixed the problem. Travelling to Portland in August, I was lucky enough to participate in what should be on all runners’ bucket lists, The Hood-to- Coast relay. I think more that anything I just didn’t stretch on my time out of the car. I let my hamstrings and legs get overly tight and then being in the car for nearly eighteen hours over a 72 hour period… well… it’ll get ya. Beyond the knee though, I was lucky to make many new friends. Running is so awesome in that we all have the same goal in mind- be better. You might not make it today, but you will definitely get there one day, just keep on keeping on. I'll have a separate post on Hood to Coast later. 

My people.

Not only was my left knee acting up, but also my left hip started to ache, and yell and scream at me. I had a marathon in October. I had training partners pushing me. I had workouts that were getting frustrating and relentless. I stopped on a long run and I walked. I hadn’t walked on a run in—forever. I had quit. But not everything yet. I had a lot more to do, to accomplish, to get through. 

My last long, hard training run before the Spokane Marathon was to be epic. Planned. 

To be continued... 

The suspense is killing me! 

This week!

This week will be a good one I promise. I am back on track and writing again. Working to get a bunch of postings out this week. Primarily recapping the last year or so. Get caught up! 

Any and all ideas of posts or anything you want to read is more than welcome! 

Be on the lookout! There may be more than one a day!