sleepless.

At times I find myself at four o’ clock in the morning laying in bed. My eyes are wide open and my senses are awake, but dulled in the darkness and still before the dawn.

I had slept with a deepness I never realized I needed. It was a day that emotions had flooded back through gates I thought I had locked and under control.

But now, it isn’t there. My mind is racing over the what-ifs, what-could-have-beens, and the what-am-i-doings. I trip over long ago thoughts and memories that I wish I had never had, but would never regret.

I wonder if it is too early to make coffee, and my body sinks deeper beneath the comforter. I pull another blanket over top and wonder if I never have to get out of bed again.

It is warm here, and my heart is safe locked behind the down and layers of my blanketed encapsulation.

I know not of what may come. I know not of what will be. I may only hope for something. I pray for everything.

Am I ready? Am I willing? Am I able?

Can I withstand something more powerful than I can possibly fathom? I hope so.

One thought lingers passed all the others. It is slow in movement and in time, and one that will be difficult to muster.

Am I broken?

This leads down to others: am I too broken, am I worthy, am I good, am I well.

Yes. I am broken. And that is what makes me ready. And that is what makes me worthy, and good, and well.

I will never know if I am worthy. Not unless I pursue and understand and believe.

I pray for the strength to understand. I pray for the guidance to release and reconcile. I pray for the faith and guidance that will lead me to the path I am chosen. I pray that I will stand strong with confidence and fullness of spirit.