Insecurities

I read Jesse Thomas' Three Step Plan. And wrote. Inspired. Also, ate more Picky Bars. Great day. 

I haven’t been writing much because I haven’t felt inspired.

Well, to all y’all and definitely including myself: that’s a crock.

I’ve been lazy, and unable, unwilling, to cope with, register, and look at some feelings, emotions and other things that have been going on.

It sounds like my life is going down a hole. Well it is based on my complete and utter complacency.

And now I am just plain annoyed.

Over the last year I have struggled with running, life, emotions, vulnerability, the mirror, the scale, and sometimes the occasional knee slamming into the door on accident. I have avoided life at times, rather holing up on my couch or in my bed, with another Netflix series. Not always an original. Instead of marathon training to the fullest, I’ll cut short to get one more episode of “Cake Boss.”

Ok, maybe not that extreme, but I am trying to paint you a picture.

Struggling with insecurities (those with them may deem them inadequacies) is difficult. But you know what is kind of funny about them? Everyone has them.

We all think we are different, random, odd, and strange even, and yet, we all struggle day in and day out with them. The people who don’t have them, or say they don’t, maybe it is true, but somewhere deep down they are still there,  or even not too long ago, they set out in conquering these fear-mongering little beasts of thought. They may never show their toes because they are crooked, or undone, or even hairy!

But just know everyone has them. You are not alone.

I think, in all honesty, that has been my struggle. Not just over the last year, but over the last few years. It has just fully come to the forefront of my life and I am more aware of it now than ever.

I cannot in any certain and factual terms understand how I came to this realization. Many miles have been run, and far too many thoughts pondered to really pinpoint the discussion or the “aha” moment I have been waiting for.

Truthfully, it probably came when I gave up.

Most recently, I have felts my insecurities grow, deeper, more real, and more to count.

When said out loud, like talking to a friend, or even to myself, I feel they are trivial and altogether unimportant in the grand scheme of things. But that is just another way of giving these insecurities power. Why can I not just feel?

By giving into this trivial feeling, I am not allowing myself to feel the so-called insecurity.

When I say it out loud that I am not a very good runner, and I tell people and they think it is dumb, and I think it is dumb too, I am not allowing myself to feel. Maybe that just means my standards are too high. Or maybe it means I just expect that much out of myself, because I have done it before, and really I am not doing it now.

Boom. Root of the problem.

So what can I do to fix it?

Or when I tell people, “I just don’t get asked out on dates” or I’m always the one being asked, “Who’s your friend” it sounds ridiculous. Am I open to new people? Do I just have a type? Or am I stuck in the past in some way?

Who cares. I’m throwing myself into running anyways. #marathontraining

But what is my fear? That I’ll get hurt? Duh.

Looking at it, I just haven’t met the right person. Maybe my standards are too high. Maybe I am looking in all of the wrong places. Or maybe, I just don’t know what I am looking for because I don’t know who I am or who I want to be.

So here goes.

For the month of April, I am facing my insecurities. I will no longer call them my inadequacies, because I am not inadequate (I just broke out into a sweat saying that because I feel like I am lying, but I know I am not). They are just things I am afraid of facing, doing, believing and achieving. Ha. I like it when I rhyme sometimes.

I will throw myself into running, sure. But that will only give me time to think about what is going on, what I am facing, and give me something to counteract the negative. That was wordy.

Really at the end of the day I do need to ask myself:

What do I want my life to look like?

And that is a question I will be asking for much help to answer.